The Off-Season Free Agent Moves
Explained through TV Theme Songs

January 9, 2000

The Red Sox Bunch

(sung to the tune of "The Brady Bunch")

It's the signing
of Hideo Nomo
Who throws split-fingered pitches in the dirt
He has three throws
Altogether
If you count his useless hanging curve

Here's the signing
of Frank Castillo
Underachiever whose outings are curt
If he still gets his slider
Up so high still
The Old Towne Team he will hurt

Then re-signing
of Timmy Wakefield
Who whines he's misused from the first
Where his knuckler
Goes we'll not know
Until he's yanked in the top of the third

It's the story
Of a man named Pedro
Who thank god is still at his mighty peak
It's a pity
He can't pitch more
Like three or four or five times a week

The Red Sox Bunch
The Red Sox Bunch
The ro-ta-tion of the Red Sox Bunch

The Yankees

(sung to the tune of "The Flintstones")

Yankees
Meet the Yankees
They're a modern corporate dynasty

They signed
Mike Mussina
And will win it all for all eternity

Look out!
It's the team from down the street!
Kevin Appier
Is now a Met who's hard to beat!

Yankees - it's the Yankees -
The Mets will eat that contract -
Steinbrenner's megalomaniac -
And he'll squash them every time!

TODAY'S BASEBALL CRANK

Archives Index

The Ballad of A-Rod

(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Let me tell you the story of an A named Rod
Who spent seven seasons a-scufflin' Seattle sod
One day he was out a huntin' loot
When up came a babblin' - a fantasizing dude.

[Spoken] Boras. Scott Boras. Baseball antichrist. Green Gold. Talkin' about the Texas Rs.

His kinfolks said, "A, move away from there
The Metroplex is the place you outta play"
So he up and yelled of Safeco he'd had his fill
And signed with the Rangers for a cool quarter bill.

[Spoken] Billion, that is. Nine zeros over ten years. The GDP of Tonga.

It's...the free agent sillybillies!

[acid-rock style banjo solo follows]

The Rockies Family

(sung to the tune of "The Addams Family")

It's creepy and it's kooky
The altitude is loony
The ERAs so high they're spooky
In the Rockies Family

They just signed Mike Hampton
To get the team to clamp down
On dingers that have unwound
and hurt them fatally

[Spoken:

Sweet.
Petite.
ERA very neat.]

But they also inked poor Denny
Whose flyballs are so many
It took a pretty penny
To entice him to Coors Field

So get your batting gloves on
The balls are still a flyin'
We're going to pay a call on
The Rock- ies - Fam - i - ly

From the Archives December 18, 2000