PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES--John Wagner

The judge stared at the defendant and said in a stern voice, "To the charge of trying to create the worst team in Major League Baseball, how do you plead, Ed Wade?"

The Phillies' GM was incredulous. "This is a joke, right?" he screamed. "Who in their right mind thinks..."

Wades words were cut off by his attorney. "Now Ed, let me do the talking." The attorney turned to the judge and said, "Not guilty, your honor."

At those words the prosecutor sprung up from his chair. "Now that's the joke, your honor," he said. "Last season the Phillies had the worst record in baseball!"

"That's not exactly true!" Wade blurted out. "We were tied for the worst record."

The prosecutor grinned broadly. "With the Cubs," he said. The crowded courtroom gasped.

The defense attorney again turned to the judge. "Your honor, this is a misunderstanding; there's no criminal intent here. Look at the Phillies' offense. How could anyone expect an offense that features so many good young hitters - guys like Bobby Abreu, Pat Burrell and Scott Rolen - to finish last in the National League in runs scored?"

The prosecutor shook his head. "That's easy: Who was hitting in front of them?" he asked. "Doug Glanville? How long will this guy live off of 1998? And what about the middle infield spots last year? Mickey Morandini? Desi Relaford? Be serious! And this year Mr. Wade is going to subject us to a rookie at shortstop and a retread at second base!"

"Objection!" shouted the defense attorney, and the judge nodded. "Sustained." Jimmy Rollins is an exciting, talented shortstop prospect, and Marlon Anderson has good speed."

Undeterred, the prosecutor said: "Can somebody explain why this offense was last with all those fine hitters?"

Wade fidgeted. "Rolen missed almost 40 games, and Lieberthal missed more than 50," he said finally. "And we didn't have Burrell in the line-up all season."

The prosecutor moved in for the kill. "And what about Travis Lee?"

Wade gulped. "Never heard of him," he said weakly.

"Liar," the prosecutor shouted. "Last season you traded Schilling for this .235 hitter and a 19-game loser! What's the matter - wouldn't the D-backs trade you a cactus so you could get stuck with that, too?"

"Objection!" shouted the defense. I'm going to overrule you on that one," said the judge sternly. " Lee and Omar Daal for Schilling? What's your excuse Mr. Wade?"

"Lee always has been one of the hottest prospects and he did hit 22 homers with 72 RBI in 1998. Daal won 16 games with Arizona in 1999 with a 3.65 ERA."

Wade's attorney sensed an opening. "Remember, your honor, that the Schilling trade wasn't the only one Mr. Wade made last season. He also traded Andy Ashby and received a fine young pitcher from the Braves in Bruce Chen."

The prosecutor saw the judge nodding in agreement with those words. "Your honor, the prosecution understands the promise of such young pitchers as Daal, Chen and Randy Wolf. But the Phillies are trying to tell us that Robert Person will fill the role of ace. How can they say that?" At the mention of Person's name, Wade groaned audibly.

The defense attorney struck back. "Last year Person won nine games in 28 starts, his ERA was 3.63, and he struck out nearly a batter a game. Where's the problem?"

The prosecutor scoffed. "You know where the problem is. This guy has never pitched that well before, and you can't count on him to do it again. How can he be the top starter? And what about his scuffle with police in Tampa in February - that sure was some way to celebrate a new $3 million contract, wasn't it?"

"Look, I can explain!" Wade cried out.

"Maybe you can explain Person," said the prosecutor. "But how can you explain signing guys like Cormier, Hunter, Mesa and Bottalico this off-season?"

Wade replied, "Well, our bullpen!"

"STILL stinks," screamed the prosecutor. "And you just gave $8 million in salaries to four players who won't make this team any better than it was last year. Your honor, I ask that you submit a summary judgment of guilty on the count against Mr. Wade and the Phillies."

The judge stroked his chin, thinking. "Mr. Wade, your team just signed Larry Bowa as its new manager, correct? Well, Bowa is one of my favorite players from the '70s, so I'm going to suspend judgment for one season. But if this team isn't any better than last year, I'll find you guilty of this charge and throw your butt in jail faster than you can say, 'Jim Konstanty.'